I admit that in the past I've been a nasty They weren't kidding when they called me kinda strange But you'll find that nowadays I've mended all my ways Repented, seen the light, and made a change And I fortunately know a little secret It's a talent that I always have possessed And dear lady, please don't laugh I use it on behalf Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed (pathetic) Poor unfortunate souls In pain In need This one longing to be thinner That one wants to get the girl And do I help them? Yes, indeed! Those poor unfortunate souls So sad So true They come flocking to me crying "Will you help us, pretty please?" And I help them! Yes I do! The men up there don't like a lot of blabber They think a girl who gossips is a bore! Yes on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word And after all dear, what is idle patter for? They're not all that impressed with conversation True gentlemen avoid it when they can But they dote and swoon and fawn On ladies who withdrawn It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man Poor unfortunate souls Go ahead! Make your choice! I'm a very busy person and I haven't got all day It won't cost much Just your voice! Those poor unfortunate souls So sad So true If you wanna cross the bridge, my sweet You've got the pay the toll Take a gulp Take a breath Go ahead Sign the scroll Nick and Kevin Now I've got her, boys The boss is on a roll You poor unfortunate souls In pain In need This one longing to be thinner That one wants to get the girl And do I help them? Yes, indeed! Those poor unfortunate souls So sad So true They come flocking to me crying "Will you help us, pretty please?" And I help them! Yes I do! Those poor unfortunate souls