INTRO:

   [spoken:]
   If your ass is a Chinese restaurant I'll have the poo-poo platter


   VERSE 1:

   Bb5 A5               B5                       C#5             E5 B5
        My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class

   A5                          B5                          C#5
   Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass

   B5  A5                     B5                        E5
         I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too

                 Eb5  C#5            A5
   Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?

                     B5 [stop]
   I just wish I was queer so I could get


   CHORUS:

   E5
   Chicks dig guys that are

   B5
   Queer guys that don't dig

   E5                              B5
   Chicks that don't dig guys like me

                               A5
   See I'm not queer I'm too ugly


   VERSE 2:

   A5            B5                        C#5                E5 B5
   But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be

       A5                            B5                              C#5
   Incognito as a gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony

   B5  A5                         B5                   E5
       Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity

                  Eb5  C#5                    A5
   But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry

                  B5                   C#5
   Scoring with a super model would be easy


   VERSE 3:

                A5                          B5
   Cause 'super model' means voluptuous but also is synonomous with

     C#5          E5 B5
    'super dumb'

              A5                          B5
   Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and
   C#5               B5
   soon I'd become

   A5                          B5                                      E5
      That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair

                  Eb5  C#5                         A5
   No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear

                B5 [stop]
   I wish I was queer so I could get


   CHORUS:

   E5
   Chicks dig guys that are

   B5
   Queer guys that don't dig

   E5                              B5
   Chicks that don't dig guys like me

                               A5
   See I'm not queer I'm too ugly


   VERSE 4: [play like Verse 3]

   Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes
   The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
   See I'm not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
   No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen
   I wish I was queer so I could get


   BRIDGE:

   E5        C#5         C#5 B5 A5       Bb5 B5       B5 A5 C#5 Eb5
   Chicks
   E5        C#5         C#5 B5 A5       Bb5 B5       B5 A5 C#5 Eb5


   VERSE 5: [play like Verse 3]

   Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
   Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp
   he talks like this
   And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
   And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
   I wish I was queer so I could get


   OUTRO:

   C#5
   Chicks dig guys that are

   B5
   Queer guys that don't dig

   C#5
   Chicks dig guys that are

   E5         B5
   Queer guys that don't dig

   C#5
   Chicks dig guys that are

   B5
   Queer guys that don't dig

   C#5                             E5
   Chicks that don't dig guys like me

               B5              C#5
   See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

         B5
   And I don't shave my heiny

   C#5
   Don't shave my heiny

   E5            B5              C#5
     See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

         B5
   And I don't shave my heiny

   C#5
   Don't shave my heiny

   E5            B5              C#5
     See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

         B5
   And I don't shave my heiny

   C#5
   Don't shave my heiny

   E5            B5             C#5
     See I'm not queer I'm too ugly