Love Is

I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought
Like Hitler's Father needed to learn to pull out
And I want you, yeah, like a Lawyer/Mathematician wants 
some kind of proof
And I want you, yeah, like JFK wanted a car with a roof
Because love is taking that dive, then getting really 
comfortable and peeing in the pool
And love is a real life porn, minus all the stuff that 
makes porn cool
And love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in the 
middle of the rain and finding a bag of gold coins and 
slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate and 
even though he's heart broken, he can't complain because he
 was hungry in the first place

Because I love you like Dora loves maps
Like the pope's toilet loves holy craps... (that's a little
 one)
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch
Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Neverland 
Ranch
And I want you, yeah, like all the gothic kids that look 
exactly the same, never want to conform
And I want you like Anne Frank... wanted nobody to read her
 FUCKING diary (because a diary is a collection of secret 
things that nobody's supposed to know, that's the whole 
point of a diary. Millions of people that have breached 
this little girls privacy after she was chased by Nazis... 
kick her while she's down)

And if we met in 10, 000 BC, I was your caveman, yous my 
cavelady...
If we got hot, we'd start rubbin'
If we got hungry, we'd go clubbin'

There's willy mammoths, I'll protect us, you're makin' me 
devolve to a homo erectus, mothafucka
And if we met in 1780, I would be a white southern 
aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark-skinned 
servant lady... slave
Whenever I could get away from the Missus, I go to your 
she'd then I'd steal you kisses
But let's be serious, I'd still work you full-time as a 
slave, there's a difference between romantic language and 
complete disregard for social economic trends
If it was 1941, I was a Nazi, yous a Gypsy on the run, 
that's a little redundant
That... probably wouldn't have worked out...
Because...

Love is your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch and 
dinner
And love is the Holocaust, if you don't die quick and you 
don't get thinner
And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape 
whistles
And even though you started with good intentions trying to 
reduce the rate of rape, now you don't want to reduce it at
 all cause if the rape rate declines then you'll see an 
equal decline in whistle sales...
Without rapists, who's gonna buy your whistles?

Yeahhhh, love is all about... Whistles. Thank you.

[Talking to Audience]

Yeah, that one was a bit vulgar, but ah ya know, dicks and 
vaginas are sorta like Coke and Pepsi, ya know? Ah, I 
strongly prefer one, but my Dad thinks they both taste the 
same.