Wet T-Shirt Nite

After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by toad-o's road
 crew, and being too exhausted to do their laundry on a 
regular basis, mary is dumped in miami. with no money (and 
no other famous rock groups due into the area for at least 
three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks by entering 
the wet t-shirt contest at the brasserie...

Ike:
Looks to me like something funny is going on around here 
people laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin' entirely too much 
for their beer and they all think they are clean outa-site 
and they're ready to party 'cause the sign outside says 
it's wet t-shirt nite 'n' they all crave some hot delight 
well the girls are excited because in a minute they're 
gonna get wet 'n' the boys are delighted because all the 
titties will get 'em upset 'n' they all think they are 
reety-awright 'n' they're ready to boogie 'cause the sign 
outside says it's wet t-shirt nite 'n' they all crave some 
pink delight when the water gets on 'em their ninnies get 
rigid 'n' look pretty bold it's a common reaction that 
makes an attraction whenever it's cold 'n' all of the 
fellas they wish they could bite on the cute little nuggets
 the local girls are showin' off tonite you know i think it
 serves 'em right you know i think it serves 'em right you 
know i think it serves 'em right you know i think it serves
 'em right and it's wet t-shirt time again i know
You want someone to show you some tit! big ones! wet ones! 
big wet ones!

At this point, father riley (who had been recently 
de-frocked for not meeting his quota, and has grown his 
hair out and bought a groovy sport coat and moved to miami 
and changed his name to buddy jones) steps onto the crowded
 bandstand in his exciting new role as a wet t-shirt 
contest emcee...

Buddy jones:
Ah, thanks, ike... yes, it's wet t-shirt time again here at
 the brasserie... home of the tits...huh huh... and it's 
the charming mary from canoga park up next in her bid for 
the semi-finals... hi, mary...howya doin'?

Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, mary 
does not recognize the former religious personage from her 
nights in the rectory basement during which she acquired 
her basic manual skills...confounded by his sport coat, she
 replies...

Mary:
Hi!

Realizing that she no longer recognizes him...or even 
appreciates the patient religious training he had given her
 in the past, buddy jones, like a true wet t-shirt emcee 
type person, proceeds to say various stupid things to waste
 time, making the contest itself take longer, thereby 
giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an 
opportunity to buy more exciting beverages...liquid 
products that will expand their consciousnesses to the 
point whereby they might more fully enjoy the ambiance of 
miami by night...

Buddy jones:
Where ya from?

Mary:
Ah, the bus...

Buddy jones:
Which one?

Mary:
You know...the last tour... you know...leather

Buddy jones:
Oh...you were the girl stuck to seat 38 phydeaux iii... why
 don't you get in position and take a deep breath, because 

this water is very, very cold, but it's goin' to be so 
stimulating. and mary's the kind of red- blooded american 
girl who'll do anything...

Mary:
Anything...

Buddy jones:
I said anything...for fifty bucks that's right!

Mary:
I really need the fifty bucks you know i gotta get home!

Buddy jones:
Yeh, i know, your father is waiting for you in the tool 
shed...that's right, you heard right...our big prize tonite
 is fifty american dollars to the girl with the most 
exciting mammalian protuberances...

Mary:
Here i am!

Buddy jones:
...as viewed through a thoroughly soaked, stupid looking 
white sort of male person's conservative kind of 
middle-of-the-road cotton undergarment! whoopee! and here 
comes the water!

Mary:
Eeek!

Buddy jones:
No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you...sounds like
 you just got an ice pick in the forehead...and here comes 
the ice pick in the forehead ...a million laughs, mary! 
anyway; good golly, what a mess...she's totally 
soaked...yeh, totally committed to the fifty bucks...that's
 it just step into the spotlight...let the guys get a good 
look at ya honey!

Mary:

Here i am!

Buddy jones:
Whaddya say, fellas? nice setta jugs? now mary, how's about
 shakin' it around a little...

Mary:
Ooooh!

Buddy jones:
Oh my goodness, look at her go!

Mary:
Oooh! i'm dancing! i'm dancing!

Buddy jones:
Ain't this what living is really all about! here's your 
fifty bucks mary...

Mary:
Oh great! now i can go home!

Buddy jones:
Home is where the heart is.

Mary:
On the bus.