I first got the case of the man with no face, one evening in August last year
A telephone call told me nothing at all, and I made an appointment with fear

She was dressed to the nines on Parisian lines, her features were winsome and cool
She stuck half a grand in my hot little hand which is more than I get as a rule

I tried to look wise as she plied me with lies about husbands and random young men
And when she was through I said, "Bollocks to you, you're talking to Lavatory Len"

"You're not some poor tart who had a bad start, you're in with the heavy brigade"
"You're up to some skank and to be very frank, I'm useless with shooters and blades"

"To tell you the truth", she said, "I need a good sleuth to save me from murder or jail"
"I've got over a ton of Kabul Number One and the victim of theft on my tail

I'm the private dick
I'm the private face
I'm the private eye
In the private place

She said, "He's the real snag, he's the King of the Blag and he's known to be hard on the chase"
"He stays in the shade when he's plying his trade and they call him the man with no face"

With no more ado, I said, "No fucking thank you", and I started to show her the door
When into my day stepped a man dressed in grey whose face was a mask - nothing more

He made it quite clear that he wanted his gear by jobbing me straight in the chops
It isn't much fun when the business gets done, but it's ever so nice when it stops

Whereupon I offered him coke which by way of a joke was a mixture of acid and smack
Like a jolly good sport he had a huge snort and was very soon flat on his back

I'm the private face
Reach for the sky
I'm the private dick
In the private eye

So we had it away for a year and a day with a three-ton truck and a tent
Our large lump of hash made us bundles of cash, 'cos we sold some wherever we went

And I ain't heard no trace of the man with no face, and I hope that's just how it stays
'Cos we've got enough dope to be able to cope with our needs for the rest of our days

I'm the private dick
I'm the private face
I'm the private eye
In the private place