[ORIN]
When I was younger, just a bad little kid
My mama noticed funny things I did
Like shootin' puppies with a B B gun
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done
I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head
That's when my mama said

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
What did she say?

[ORIN]
She said, My boy, I think someday
You'll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay
You'll be a dentist
You have a talent for causin' things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You'll be a success

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque!
Watch him suck up that gas!
Oh, my God!
He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good
Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?

[PATIENT]
Oh that hurts! I'm not numb!

[ORIN]
Oh, shut up. Open wide. Here I come!
I am your dentist

[PATIENT]
Goodness gracious!

[ORIN]
And I enjoy the career that I picked

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Really love it

[ORIN]
I am your dentist

[PATIENT]
Fitting braces

[ORIN]
And I get off on the pain I inflict

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Really love it

[ORIN]
I thrill when I drill a bicuspid

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Bicuspid

[ORIN]
It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted
And though it may cause my patients distress
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me
Oh, mama
'Cause I'm a dentist and a success
Say ah!

[PATIENT]
Ah!

[ORIN]
Say ah!

[PATIENT]
Ah!

[ORIN]
Say ah!

[PATIENT]
Ah!

[ORIN]
Now spit!