D G Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag, A A7 D to the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg. D G As I sat lookin' up the Guinness and I could never figure out, A A7 G A D how your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout. D G I dreamt a dream the other night, I couldn't sleep a wink, A A7 the rats were tryin' to count the sheep and I was off the drink. D G There were footsteps in the parlour and voices on the stairs, A A7 and I was climbin' up the walls and movin' round the chairs. D G I looked out from under the blanket and up at the fireplace, A A7 there was the Pope and John F. Kennedy were starin' in me face. D G And Suddenly it dawned at me I was getting the old D.T.s, A A7 when the Child o' Prague began to dance around the mantlepiece. D G Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag, A A7 D to the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg. D G As I sat lookin' up the Guinness and I could never figure out, A A7 G A D how your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout. D G Well, I swore upon the Bible I'd never touch a drop, A A7 my heart was palpitatin', I was sure 'twas going to stop, D G Thinkin' I was dyin' I gave my soul to God to keep, A A7 a tenner to St. Anthony to help me get some sleep. D G I fell into an awful nightmare - got a dreadful shock, A A7 when I dreamt there was no Duty-free at the airport down in Knock. D And Ian Paisley was sayin' the rosary, G and Mother Theresa was taking the the pill, A A7 and Frank Patterson was out of his head, he was singin' Spancil Hill. D G Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag, A A7 D to the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg. D G As I sat lookin' up the Guinness and I could never figure out, A A7 G A D how your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout. D G I dreamt I was in ecstacy in Heaven, and in agony in Hell, A A7 I was bored in Limbo and then I was in Purgatory as well. D And there was original sins and venial sins, G and mortal sins by the score, A so I tied barbed wire around my underpants, A7 and I flagellated myself on the floor. D Then I dreamt I was in the confessional box, G and the auld Bishop said to me, A 'Any impure thoughts, my child?' A7 Sure the f**king barbed wire was killin' me ! D G And then I dreamt I was in the jacuzzi with that auld hoor from No. 10, A A7 and then I knew I'd never ever, ever drink again. D G Goodbye to the Port and Brandy, to the Vodka and the Stag, A A7 D to the Schmiddick and the Harpic, the bottled draught and keg. D G As I sat lookin' up the Guinness and I could never figure out, A A7 G A D how your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout.
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