G                                C
So you think you're gaein' tae the north to spend a holiday,
                                           D
cause you're vaguely Scottish on your mither's side,
         G                                 C
and you've heard of ancient glories, both renowned in song and story,
          G              D             G 
kilts and haggis, Andy Stewart and the Clyde.


[Verse]
           G                                C       
Ye go up by Crianlarich, it's the gateway to the north,
                                     D                 
and the scenery will please your eyes, I'm sure.
          G                                C
Ye take oot your picnic basket 'cause the car has blown a gasket
          G              D             G
in the middle o' a place called Rannoch Moor.   

G  C  G  D  G


[Verse]
          G                                C
So you telephone the garage listed in the tourist guide,
                              D
that was published for you by the R.A.C.,
          G                                C
but by design, or by intention, or, they just forget to mention
          G              D             G
that the garage closes doon for half past three.


[Verse]
          G                                C
So you're towed behind this tractor tae a corrugated shed
                                  D
that's surrounded by farm implements and carts,
          G                                C
and you scratch your head and wonder why you ever bought a Honda,
          G              D             G
'cause they'll have to send to Tokyo for the parts. 

G  C  G  D  G


[Verse]
          G                                C
So you board the train for Oban and you get the boat to Mull
                                  D 
feeling like you've had a night upon the tiles,
          G                                C 
ye pay twenty pence for coffee with a tang o' diesel oil,
          G              D             G 
your experience in the swindle o' the isles.


[Verse]
          G                                C
But your pulse begins to quicken at the thought of berry-pickin',
                                D
so you take a trip to 'Gowrie for a spell,
          G                                C
wi' some wellies o' your mothers that she bought in Ali Brothers,
          G              D             G
and a Gideon bible pinched frae yer hotel.   

G  C  G  D  G


[Verse]
          G                                C
So you're standing picking rasps being stung to death by wasps,
                               D
the midges and the cleggs are making free,
          G                                C
and the bairns have ate the berries and contracted dysentery,
          G              D             G
'cause last week they sprayed the crop with DDT.


[Verse]
          G                                C
So you're headin' back to Birmingham more waterlogged than tanned,
                            D
but no signs of habitation can you see,
          G                                C
when you thought you were in Berwick you were actually in Lerwick,
          G              D             G
'Cause some vandal changed the signpost in Dundee