You climbed the monkey bars at recess every week
(Marsha Brady dresses you would wear)
I got down underneath so I could take a peek
(You had Hello Kitty underwear)
You were the handball champ, your pigtails looked so fine
(I wanted you to go around with me)
Wanted to marry you but I was only nine
(You gave me cooties in the library)

(chorus) If you were mine, how happy we would be
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
But now, it's gone, a memory
G-O-O-D-B-Y-E
It's all gone

You looked so sexy as you ate your ice cream cone
(Missile pop was running down your hand)
Wanted to call you, but my sister had the phone
(Dated the entire marching band)
I never had the nerve to ask you to the dance
(Pimples covered my face, anyway)
My secret love for you was hidden in my pants
(My feelings just grew larger everyday)

(chorus)

I saw you at the shopping mall the other day
(A dozen curlers hanging from your head)
Three kids were screaming and a fourth was on the way
(Your husband found that he liked men, instead)
The years had not been kind and you were not so lean
(No more monkey bars for you and me)
And nature took away my lovely Handball Queen
(You disappeared down aisle 3)

(chorus)