I got a bladder infection on Rigel VII
A bladder infection, oh no

I got genital warts from Mr. Warf
I got genital warts, oh no

I need a rectal exam
From a hologram
I need some Corbomite
To kill my parasite
I need a hypo spray
So I won't hear them say
"He's dead Jim"

I got a kidney stone
Help me Dr. Bones
I got a kidney stone, oh no

I got a rock in my ****
Help me Dr. Phlox
I got a rock in my ****, oh no

I got an STD from Dr. Pulaski
I got Syphilis from Tom Paris
I got Pubic Lice from Odo twice
I got Gonorrhea from Mr. Data
I got a case of Herpes from Beverly
I've had the runs for a year
Help me, Bashir

I got a ******* hemorrhoid as big as an android
A ******* hemorrhoid, oh no

I got constipation on a deep space station
Got constipation, oh no

I got a case of Tourette's, ****