[Intro] C  F  C/G  Em

         C       F          C/G         Em
It's about all the sad stuff. Just picture a depressed onion cutting itself

( C  F  C/G  Em )
( C  F  C/G  Em )

        C                  F
I met a homeless man named Rich
C          G
Isn't that terrible?
         C               F
I saw a flyer for a lost dog
        Am                    Em
And the dog didn't have any legs
         C        F    Am     G
I saw a diabetic kid trick-or-treating
    C              F
I saw a giraffe who had a short neck
Am           G
That was sad, or a deer

E        F           C        G
I saw an old man get hit by a train
          E                      F
He didn't see it in the pouring rain
           C                                G         E
He didn't hear me shout, "Look out for the train!"

Because I didn't say anything

( C  F  C/G  Em )

C     F        C/G         Em
I just thought to myself, "Ooh, this is gonna be sad."
C     F    C/G    Em
           And it was
C     F    C/G    Em
      I'm a genius

        C                       F
I saw a man with only one eye
C       G
In a 3D movie
        C                         F
I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone
Am                           Em
Directly on his mother's corpse
        C                  F
I saw a kitten stuck in a tree
         Am                       G
Then the kitten jumped off and he hung himself
          C            F       Am      G
I saw a boy who had red hair

E           F                 C            G
I went to a store looking for something to buy
                     E                        F
But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy
    C                      G
No, wait--this store sells mirrors!
           E
See what I did there?
               C     Em    F    Fm
Let's rock! No

( C  Em  F  Fm )
( C  Em  F  Fm )
( C  Em  F  G )

(The last chord progression of spoken
Section, ending with the G on "I'm a
Sociopath!".)

[Spoken]

The world's so sad, bros. Pain, genocide, war, sexism, racism
But I've gotta remember there's good things about it too
Like the fact that none of that's happening to me! Score! Still
Though, it's hard not to be sad about it. How do y'all do it? I've
Been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song; you
Haven't been sad at all. You've been--you've been happy--no
You've been laughing. That's it, laughter, it's the key to everything
It's the way to solve all the sadness in the world! I mean not for the
People that are actually sad, but the people like us that've gotta
Fucking deal with them all the time. Being a comedian isn't being
An insensitive prick capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses
Of the public; it's being a hero. The world isn't sad. The world's
Funny! I'm a sociopath!

         C                 F
I saw an old man slip and fall
Am                  G
Hey, what a fucking idiot
        C                       F
I saw a woman at her daughter's funeral
Am        G
Ha ha ha. Classic comedy
C                        F
Everything that once was sad
Am         G
Is somehow funny now
     C            F
The Holocaust and 9/11
Am                G
That shit's funny 24/7, cuz
E                  F         C      G
Tragedy will be exclusively joked about
            E                    F      C
Because my empathy is bumming me out
          G        E
Goodbye, sadness

[Final] C  F  C/G  Em  C