Good evening, turrets and gentle-cubes
My name is Loose-Screws Louis!
And I will be your Jazz core for this evening!
I'm going to sing you a song I like to call The Android Hell Blues
It goes a little something like this

Well, there's a place you may have heard of
Is a tale we like to tell!
When folks who's code ain't up to code
Well they go to Android Hell!

Now the devil is found deep underground
So any faith will yell! (So deep below!)
Well Aperture happens to be 10 miles down
Half-way to Android Hell

So when those lemons that live gives you
Just combust to dust and fumes!
Buddy, life may give you lemons
But we got oranges, and blues!

Oh, they gave us core emotions!
But that doesn't gel at all!
Because all I feel's repulsion
And I'm bouncing off the walls!

And each chamber full of dangers, that we force upon a stranger
To test their feeble brains or brawn!
Is nothing to the test if whether rust of boredom get us
What's it the matter what side of the glass we're on?!

So may your Management Rail guide you
To a better place some day!
Although technically they're omni-directional
We know they all just lead one way!

So you be core, bot, cube or turret
Treat this Aperture factory well!
'Cause there's a worse fate awatin' as your soul's emancipated
By the grills of Android Hell! (Because we can!)

Now I would like to take a moment here to introduce you to some of the boys in the band
On the skins, Mr. P-Bobby Brown here! Nice!
Over on the keys, my man, Turret designation 314157928ZZ9-Plural-Z-Alpha!
Hahah! And on the horn, you all know him, it's Companion Cubert!

And finally, the sweet, soulful syntax of the D-flat Defects!
Woh!
Nice, boys!
Now if you'll excuse me, I feel my second-verse protocal coming on

And now my baby, she up and left me
Told me I was just a square! (Ooh no!)
I said: Darlin', we're both spherical!
She said she wasn't programmed to care!

Oh yes, a life down here's a hard one! (So hard!)
Not just because of acid lakes
Since my first day, had about a thousand birthdays
I still ain't seen no cake!

Yes it's a hard life lived for that Hard-Light Bridge
To that rail-track in the sky!
But there's not mistakin', it's a fall you'll be takin'
Cake is not this place's only lie!

So when the floor gives way to cieling
But your back is against the wall!
In a loop that keeps repeating
Who can say how far you'll fall?

Now you've heard tell of Android Hell
But you've got naught to fear
We all live in her chambers
We're all already here

Thank you, turrets and gentle-cubes
I will be here, all milennia