Now gather round and let me tell the story
It's a story that is almost never told
It's about a night that good ol' Santa wished he never had
And no one knows
He was tired of the misses always bitchin' (always bitchin')
And so sick of all those little helpers, too (helpers, too)
So he hopped in his ol' pick up truck
And he yelled that he don't give a fuck
"Tonight I'm gettin wasted at the Blue Oyster Saloon!"

[Chorus]
I'm sorry, but there ain't no Christmas this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
So don't bother with the milk and cookies this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer

Well you know that one drink led to another
And suddenly the room began to spin
So round and round ol' Santa went
Not knowing all the trouble he was in
They laughed and kicked him out the door
They said he couldn't have no more
And in the snow he nearly fell
He shook his fist and then he yelled
"You haven't seen the last of me!"
While he was standing in his pee
He flipped the bird and (?)
And stumbled off into the night

[Chorus]
I'm sorry, but there ain't no Christmas this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
So don't bother with the milk and cookies this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer

So, on and on Santa walked
Heck, I reckon he must have walked for miles before he found a place to shelter him from the cold
A place of warmth, a sanctuary sold
And in this place, Santa feasted his eyes on a most beautiful creature
A creature that made his veins race with love blood
And his loins?
Hell, let's just say Santa's pole.. was pointing north

(Oh ho ho ho ho! Why hello there!
[Sheep Noises]
Oh, Have you been naughty or nice this year? Oh ho ho ho!
[More Sheep Noises]
Well I've got a little present for you!
[Zipper Noise])

Now everyone around has heard the story
A story that was almost never told
About that night that good ol' Santa wished he'd never had
And now you know

[Chorus]
I'm sorry, but there ain't no Christmas this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
So don't bother with the milk and cookies this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer

Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer