D         G         D       G
My mother said that I never should
A                                       D
play with the naughty rude girls in the wood.
               G            D           G
Their giggling talk I could never understand
    A                                        D
and that's when I fell in love with my right hand

and that's why


      G
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
       C                    G
and it does me good like it bloody well should.
      G
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
        D                 G
and I'm always pullin' my pud!


      D        G      D         G
I was 25 years old before I was kissed
    A                                                 D
and then I found that I preferred a swift one off the wrist
                  G            D           G
It's cheap and convenient, you can't catch VD!
       A                                       D
It's available at any time and it's absolutely free!

and that's why

      G
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
       C                    G
and it does me good like it bloody well should.
      G
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
        D                 G
and I'm always pullin' my pud!

G                      C           G
Oh, Mrs. Palm and your five lovely daughters,
C             G             D
thank you for having me and being oh so kind.
         G                       C                G
I've got pains in my arms and my donkey's getting shorter.
C                       G           D               G
My knees have turned to water and I think I'm going blind.

     D           G           D           G
I've wanked over Italy, I've wanked over Spain
     A                                               D
I've wanked in an omnibus, I've even had a wank in a train.
     D      G            D           G
I've used a badger and a melon and a cat
A                                                 D
an inflateable Linda Lovelegs and a Davy Crockett hat!

and that's why

      G
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
       C                    G
and it does me good like it bloody well should.
      G
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
        D                 G
and I'm always pullin' my pud!

G                      C           G
Oh, Mrs. Palm and your five lovely daughters,
C             G             D
thank you for having me and being oh so kind.
         G                       C                G
I've got pains in my arms and my donkey's getting shorter.
   C                    G           D               G
My knees have turned to water and I think I'm going blind.