Haircut

B7

[Part 1]
Em
You ought to get your hair cut, it's getting awfully hippy-like
    A7
The barber closes soon, you better make it zippy
D                            C
Like a cheetah sporting some Adidas so you
G        C       D      G      C          Am           D
Run from here to there, as the wind blows through your hair
C            Cmaj7
Suddenly you stop
G                     Am
Perhaps you like your mop
             D                    B
Now we gotta know, do you chop it off [go to 2.1]
          Em        G      A      B7
Or do you scoff and let it grow? [go to 2.2]

[Part 2.1]
Em
You run into the store, and meet with Mr Barber
       A7
As he starts to cut your hair, the fellow seems to harbour
   D                     C
An improper eagerness to chop your ears off
G     C        D          G        C     Am      D
Suddenly those dull, dull scissors jam into your skull
    C               Cmaj7
The man says oopsie-daisy
    G                 Am
Sometimes my hands go crazy
                D
Blood begins to spout
                     B
Do you go to the hospital [go to 3.1]
          Em       G        A       B7
Or try to pull the scissors out? [go to 3.2]

[Part 2.2]
    Em
You stick it to the man that, don't cut your hair don't even shave
    A7
For you are now a hippie! You find yourself a sign to wave
    D                        C
And protest fighting for the oppressed people
G  C        D      G       C      Am  D
Animals and trees, but the system disagrees!
C           Cmaj7
Violence is transpiring
G             Am
Cops are open firing
           D
Riots all around
            B
Do you run away [go to 3.3]
          Em       G         A         B7
Or do you stay and hold your ground? [go to 3.4]

[Part 3.1]
Em
You run right out the door, and over to the hospital
A7
Into the waiting room, which looks just like a moshpit
        D                           C
Full of bleeders flipping through a readers' digest
G         C     D       G         C       Am        D
You queue up in line, behind some guy who broke his spine
C            Cmaj7
Later in the story
     G              Am
Your doctor is Hugh Laurie
               D
Well you gotta laugh
                   B
Should he fix your head [go to 4.1]
              Em      G    A        B7
Or should you get his autograph? [go to 4.2]

[Part 3.2]
Em
You firmly yank the scissors, they're stuck no matter how you strain
A7
But now you're feeling tingly, it seems their pressence in your brain
  D                 C
Releases your telekinesis powers
G      C    D    G       C        Am       D
If you so desire objects float or catch on fire
C              Cmaj7
This psychic potential
G                Am
Could prove consequential
                  D
Eh, well what the hell.
               B
Now you wonder should
                        Em
You use your powers for good [go to 4.3]
   G     A      B7
Or for evil? [go to 4.4]

[Part 3.3]
Em
You shriek and run away, like a little pansy
A7
And you move into the woods, to live like a chimpanzee
        D                       C
Back to nature but you find you hate your neighbours
G      C       D      G          C          Am     D
Mostly its the bears, can't they mind their own affairs?
C                 Cmaj7
They've got you surrounded
G                   Am
Now you're quite confounded
              D
What is this about?
              B
Do you try to fight [go to 4.5]
           Em    G           A      B7
Or just politely talk things out? [go to 4.6]

[Part 3.4]
Em
You make it through the riots, the public wants your story told
A7
So you write a book, the sales come in low and behold
     D                       C
It's caught on earning you a spot on Oprah
G        C          D      G          C         Am      D
She just smiles and winks. Looks like she's had several drinks...
C                    Cmaj7
Half way through the show
G              Am
Oprah lets you know
                  D
She must have you now
                       B
Do you slap her in the face [go to 4.7]
          Em        G          A        B7
Or do you bow chickachicka wow wow? [go to 4.8]

[Part 4.1]
Em                             A7
Hugh Laurie starts to scream, "we have to operate!"
   D                            C
He calls upon his team, there's no time to sedate
G    C   Am  C    D      G  C  Am  G  Am C  D
With his charming smirk, he begins to go to work
            C             Cmaj7
But there's one forgotten factor:
     G                 Am
Hugh Laurie's just an actor
               D
Turns out he's insane
                     B
Thanks to him you're dead
                  Em       G       Asus    Cmaj7     G
He opened up your head and then he ran off with your brain
Yeah?!

[Part 4.2]
Em                          A7
"Would you be so kind?" You timidly request
 D                       C
"If you wouldn't mind to autograph your breast."
G  C   Am    C    D      G    C  Am    G Am C  D
Laurie signs with grace, then he draws a happy face
C                Cmaj7
Quickly with no delay
G                 Am
You put it up on ebay
            D
But to no success
                   B
Your auction gets removed
               Em       G           Asus     Cmaj7  G
Ebay says that you violated their terms of service
Oh no.

[Part 4.3]
Em                       A7
You spend all your time, even Friday nights
D                    C
Beating up on crime, wearing spandex tights
    G  C Am    C D    G  C   Am  G   Am  C   D
Now everyone's a fan, of the psychic scissor man
C                 Cmaj7
Now you're making millions
  G            Am
Defeating supervillains
                D
But beneath the fame
                B
And beneath the cape
            Em       G         Asus Cmaj7 G
There is no escaping from your se - cret  shame
Shame

[Part 4.4]
Em                  A7
Quickly you embark, on a trail of hate
D                     C
Creeping in the dark, twisting mankind's fate
        G     C       Am C    D
Now the whole world's in your palms
G C Am   G   Am C D
Activate the atom bombs
C               Cmaj7
Several seconds after
G            Am                      D
You erupt in laughter, quite maniacally
          B            Em    G     Asus  Cmaj7  G
Ha haha haha ha haha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha hee hee

[Part 4.5]
Em                        A7
You're prepared to fight. The wretched beasts attack
     D                          C
They bear their teeth and bite, but you bite them back
G    C      Am     C    D
Soon you've killed them all.
G   C   Am  G     Am   C   D
All but one who's much too small
    C                  Cmaj7
And since you're not a brute
    G                   Am
And since that cub's so cute
                   D
You adopt him as a son
                   B
Then that bear and you
          Em    G         Asus Cmaj7  G
Realise a new adventure's just begun
Yeah!

[Part 4.6]
Em                     A7
So you ask them why we can't just get along
D                    C
And the bears reply "You've got us all wrong"
 G  C    Am   C  D      G    C Am    G      Am C   D
"We come from up there! From a place called Planet Bear"
C                  Cmaj7
On their ship they take you
G                 Am                       D
To their home and make you King of all the bears
                   B                    Em
And that seals the deal, proving God is real
    G       Asus     Cmaj7   G
And that he listened to your prayer
Amen

[Part 4.7]
Em                     A7
You slap Oprah's face, at once her loyal staff
D
Start spraying you with Mace
    C
And Oprah starts to laugh
G  C   Am C D
As the audience
G C Am    G   Am C D
Overtakes you in defence
C               Cmaj7
Of their lovely hostess
G               Am
Now your ass is toast yes
              D
Sorry my dear friend
                   B
Guess you're gonna die
                   Em    G          Asus Cmaj7  G
You better say goodbye because this is  the  end
You suck

[Part 8]
Em                      A7
You and Oprah kiss, the audience goes wild
D                  C
Voyeuristic bliss, suddenly you're piled
G  C   Am C   D
On the studio floor
G   C  Am     G  Am  C   D
Now it starts to get hardcore
C           Cmaj7
On live television
G             Am
Passionate collision
           D               B
Evidential love, genuine romance
                Em          G       Asus  Cmaj7  G
Maybe there's a chance that you and Oprah are in love