There are some sounds you love to hear -
Like when the twist top is undone
As you open up that stubby
When Friday night's finally come.
It would be great to hear Courtney Love -
As you give her face a slap;
Great to hear some battler win,
And that James Packer has the clap -
But what I want to hear tonight,
More than all those things,
Is every single person cheer
For Weddings, Parties, Anything.

You'd cheer if they had finally caught
The guy who invented hip hop;
You cheer a horse when they start;
You cheer the Mavis's - if they stop;
The sound of cheering fans? - well, Christ,
If I could, I would engrave it:
But this is the first and only time
I'll tell an audience to save it -
I wanna hear you scream the words,
I wanna hear you sing:
Everyone should cheer tonight
For Weddings, Parties, Anything.

Darren Gough, stump held aloft,
Wobbling his little belly,
Means we've lost a cricket match
To that pea-heart, Alan Mullally:
These are the times when the cheering stops -
Don't it make your blood run cold?
It's like giving the Premiership Cup
To that mongrel, Johnny Worsfold.
O.K, O.K, settle down,
We won't agree on everything:
But we'll sure as hell cheer as one
For Weddings, Parties, Anything.

Tonight it's not just the Old Year
That's coming to an end;
It's not just 1998
That we'll never see again -
TISM went up to the Weddo's,
Said, "Well done, good luck to you."
You wanna know what they said back?
"Who the fuck are you?"
And yet, by Christ, that's fair enough -
Tonight there's just one king:
We'll hail them for the last time:
Weddings, Parties, Anything.