Now here s a little motto song I'd like to sing to you
Some of them are very old and some of them are new
But here's one in particular it's funny in it's way
I wonder what we'd think if we heard our ancestors say

If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don't maul em don't maul 'em
If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you
Are you going to marry my daughter sir? Said pa to Johnny Doleham
John said no so pa said go, if you don't want the goods don't maul ' em

Now we all learned our history when we were kids at school
We went there almost every day to learn the golden rule
King Solomon was a gay old boy, he was a lively spark
And this is what you might have heard while listening in the dark
If you don't want the goods, etc

King Solomon had six hundred wives and he always used to call 'em
' till one of them turned to him, and said if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em
Now Smith went to a doctor once who lived in Harley street
He said my man those gallstones they will drag you off your feet
Just come inside my hospital at once without delay
He did and when they chloriformed him he was heard to say
If you don't want the goods, etc

They were just about to operate on his appendix, what do you call 'em
When he popped up his head and to the doctor said if you don't want the goods don't maul ' em
Now once I took my holidays and went across to France
I hadn't been there since the war so thought I'd take a chance
I strolled along a street that they call the Bous Boulogne
And when a French girl spoke to me I shouted out this song
If you don't want the goods, etc
Now while I was in Paris I stayed in a what do you call 'em
There were notices on every wall, if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em

Napoleon said I love my troops and whatever may befall 'em
When Josephine stood up and said if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em