What is this feeling I've got in my head
It's filled up with poison, it's all in the red
What is there left when I'd rather be dead
and I don't know what to do.
Here's the answer - a science that's blessed
It puts the E-S-T into best
It takes off the pressure - I don't wanna be pressed
and then you're just like new.

(chorus):
It's the brain massage (it feels so good)
It's the brain massage (there's muzak playing)
It's the bra - a - ain massage (pardon me, what was I saying? oh yeah - )

There's plenty of methods, there's lots of techniques
It won't take a minute - well maybe three weeks
It tightens your lug nuts and patches your leaks
and then you're just like new.

(chorus)

There's equal opportunity, there's equal opportunity
So help yourself to some self help and that's the way to start
There's equal opportunity, there's equal opportunity
It's the home repair manual for the Volkswagen of your heart.

There'll be no passion, no anger or guilt
Love cannot blossom, so how can it wilt?
Step right this way and get your psyche rebuilt
with a primal scream or two.