I live on burgers, Cheetos, and ice cream
Got nothing but lard in my blood stream
Guess my sweet tooth was something more than a phase
Been fueling up on cupcakes and Twinkies
Gained so much weight my girl left me
She said to call her if I ever change my ways

I put the pizza away
Went on a diet today
I can't wait till I get thin then I'll show her
I put the pizza away
I'm gonna lose some weight
I can't wait till I get thin then I'll show her

I missed you last night at the hotel
I even missed your bacon and beer smell
Then it finally dawned on me how to make things right
I pulled up to a fast food venue
Ordered everything on the menu
Time to go back home and stuff my face

Picked up a pizza today
I'm gonna power binge
I'm gonna eat till nothing's left in the fridge
I'm gonna hit the buffet
I'm gonna gain some weight
I can't wait till I get fat then I'll show him

Been hitting Ben and Jerry's for breakfast
You know I finally got the hang of this Slim Fast
Since you've been gone
I've been gaining/losing so much weight
I've been jogging instead of taking the car
I've been eating mayonaise straight from the jar
I was making dessert
I was off to lift some weights

Now I'm liking what I see on the scale
So I sent a picture out in the mail
Oh hey look you sent one too
Let's just.. whoa, hey wait / OMG!

I saw your picture today
I see you've changed your ways
You know I think I liked you better the way you were
I saw your picture today
I see you lost/gained some weight
I just called to say don't bother to come back home
I just called to say don't bother to come back home