G
There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree.

G
Gussied up with candy canes and balls

G
Those carolers have kept me up for hours

G
It's "merry Christmas!" seeping through my walls

G
Now I'm no Wiccan commie or nothin'

G
But there is one damn holiday I can't stand

G
It ain't Halloween, Thanksgiving, or even April Fools

G
But it'll surely make a fool out of every man.



Chorus 1
G
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas

C                                    G
You know where to stick those jingle bells

D                            C
If I ain't hammered it ain't Hanukkah

G
And all you motherfuckers go to hell

C                                G
If I ain't kokeyed then it ain't Kwanzaa 

C                          G
Joy to the world, Jack and Cokes

C                                      D
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas

C                                G
Cause I ain't never anything but broke



Verse 2
G
Now every year the malls are just a madhouse 

G
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles 

G
Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit 

G
And those coloured lights are fucking infantile 

G
I think we collectively as the people 

G
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise 

G
And tell the world: 

G
"Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change" 

G
Before we spend it all on fucking toys. 

HA 



Chorus 2
G
So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas 

C                                    G
You know where to stick those jingle bells 

D                            C
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah 

C                      G
Fa la la la la go fuck yourself! 

D                            C
If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa 

C                           G
Joy to the world of getting stoned 

C                              G
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas 

C                                       G
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone.