While thumbing through his news aggregator
That morning several tidbits caught his eye
And seemingly broke his heart
The continuing climate crisis notwithstanding
He'd been able to avoid his darker thoughts for the better part of a day
Day and a half

But upon reading in the lifestyle section
That pigs are susceptible to bouts of chronic depression
He felt his own creep up quietly upon him
Also, he was completely out of toilet paper

(Dance muthafucka)
Dance muthafucka
Dance muthafucka dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance

As he moped through his Monday
Thinking exclusively of himself (and the pigs)
There was a gnawing suspicion
That he'd forgotten something of great significance
Before he left the house

His latex gloves reached up to adjust
His makeshift mask when it hit him
It's not Monday
It's fucking Wednesday, man (holy shit)

Dance muthafucka
Dance muthafucka dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance
(Alright then)

After embracing isolation as a lifestyle
For the better part of two decades
His hermetic habits had finally found purpose
While his so-called friends rung their hands with worry
He smiled under his mask
Because this was his day
This Wednesday
This was his moment
This was his time
And there, was toilet paper

Dance muthafucka
Dance muthafucka dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance muthafucka dance
Dance muthafucka dance