D                  G
Seamus’ missus was free with her kisses
D                            A
Her lips were delicious and freely would roam
D                        G
The only one missin’ his missus fine kissin’
D             G             A       D
Was Seamus himself who was never at home


D                   G
Seamus’ mistress a maker of mattresses
D                  A
Motherly matriarch known on the town
D                           G
Would be on her back at the drop of a hat
D                       G            A            D
And the hats they were droppin like flies in that town


A                         G
Everyone knew what those two were up to
A                           G
But Seamus was oblivious to what seemed very obvious
A                        G
Does he need to be told he’s 25 years old


D                           G
These two lovely ladies had boatloads of babies
D                  A
Parental paternity mostly unknown
D                      G
In Seamus’ mind he was one of a kind
D                       G             A           D
And these cartloads of kids were all seeds he had sewn


D                            G
To him mattered not that not one of the lot
D                            A
Even vaguely resembled this funny old man
D                       G
Ferocious fertility and voracious virility
D                   G             A          D
Will prove that he stayed by this bound of a plan


A                         G
Everyone knew what those two were up to
A                           G
But Seamus was oblivious to what seemed very obvious
A                      G
Does he need to be told he’s 55 years old


~Fiddle Solo~

D                   G
All this infidelity and this dishonesty
D                   A
Made people uppity some got upset
D                         G
They sought a solution to severe in silence
D            G          A      D
Essential a service so easy to get

D                       G
Then time came to mind although not very kind
D                             G
To show that poor Seamus that what he’d receive
D                         G
To be his dependents were not his descendants
D                  G     A
And how these two ladies had him deceived


A                        G
Everyone knew what these two were up to
A                       G
But when they told old Seamus he said I must be famous
A                               G
A missus and a mistress and the whole town as a witness
A                  G
I think I’m 95 and I’m just glad I’m still alive